Category Archives: Family Tips

Being Present in Fatherhood

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Guest post by Brian Durr, Coach at Boot Camp for New Dads class in Seminole County.

Durr Family

The Durr Family

My name is Brian Durr. My wife Karena and I have an 11-month-old little boy, Riley. To me, being a responsible father does not mean I have to be perfect. It comes down to three things: protecting, providing and being present.

I would do anything to protect my boy from what the world will try to teach him. As a dad, if I don’t own up and instill the values that I believe are important for him, then he will get them from what he sees others do and say. I will take my chances with what I teach him. He will come to know that I will bend over backwards to provide for him.

To me providing is way more than just bringing home a paycheck. It means providing time out of my busy schedule to be there for him and to listen to him. It also means showing him how to love and respect a woman both in the home and out in public. There will be times he needs a male role model for guidance, and I will be there for him whether he wants to talk or just hang out.

Out of these three (protecting, providing and being present), the one that jumps out the most is being present. It is vital for a dad to be present in a child’s life. I work in an elementary school that has very low-income students. A good majority of our students grow up with no father and it is very evident. They tend to act out and lack the life skills vital to a successful life.

Since I began teaching the Boot Camp for New Dads class in Seminole County I always start the class with a question: What do you remember about your dad growing up? I always end the class with this question: What do you want your middle school kid to say about you as a dad when they get to your age? The reason I ask these two questions is because the answer almost always boils down to the fact that the men remember their dad being present or not present both physically and emotionally. They almost never mention all of the stuff they got as gifts.

For me, my dad was coaching or watching my games cheering me on. He was not perfect, but he modeled the life skills of integrity, honesty and staying true to my word that have stuck with me to this day. He cheered me on in whatever I chose for myself. If I made a mistake, he disciplined me instead of trying to be my best friend. That is what a good dad does for a child they love. For me as a father, I plan on instilling in my son the values and beliefs that he will carry with him for the rest of his life.

“Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it.”

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How to talk to kids about tragedies

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Children can start showing signs of trauma right away or months after a disastrous event. Just hearing about an event on the news or seeing a reaction from parents is enough to have an effect on kids.

Jennifer Evans, a licensed mental health counselor and traumatologist at DCF who specializes in compassion fatigue, offers some ways you can be available for your child during this time:

Be Clear: Talking about tragedy, injury and death can be very difficult for anyone. Being clear and only answering what the child is asking will help them to understand without getting into too much graphic detail. Try using dialogue like, “When people die, their bodies stop working.”

Be Available: Let your kids ask the questions. Start by asking them, “What do you think happened?” Allow them to guide the conversation where they need to go to help them cope.

Stay Calm: Children learn emotional reactions and coping through adults. The way adults react to events is often the way the child perceives and reacts to the event. It is okay to cry and show concern and emotion, and then to show appropriate ways to cope and heal. Try using dialogue like, “It is okay to feel confused and hurt. Sometimes people cry to show how sad they are. This allows their body to feel better.”

Normalize Their Feelings: When a tragedy happens it can be confusing and often kids are uncertain of the emotions they are feeling. Use this opportunity to discuss emotions and the way kids are feeling and explain how you can cope. Try using dialogue like, “Often people feel sad when something like this happens. It is hard to understand why someone would do something like this.”

Understand How Children Cope: You may see your child try to act out the traumatic event through their dolls or other toys. This can be scary for a parent to see, but kids will often replay the event as a way to cope. You can use this opportunity to discuss their play and their memory of the event. This is a great time to clarify and normalize their reaction again. Try doing an activity to help provide closure for your child.

Notice Changes in Behavior: Often the effect of trauma on your body does not happen until weeks after the event. This is a normal process of coping. If your child’s behavior dramatically changes for an extended amount of time, consult a professional. Common symptoms of trauma include sleeplessness, over/under eating, extended sadness for no immediate explanation, extended traumatic play, lack of focus/concentration, and nightmares.

We are all keeping the victims in our thoughts and prayers. The national Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration provides more information about coping strategies and how children and adults are affected by and react to tragedy. We encourage you to visit www.samhsa.gov/trauma for resources about how to help your friends and family during this time.

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Fatherhood: Option or Obligation?

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Guest post by Bryan Nelson, a father of two, foster parent, and Program Coordinator for Boot Camp for New Dads in Orlando. The boot camp is a part of Healthy Start Coalition of Orange County’s initiative to create and reinforce strong families.

Bryan and his son

Bryan and his son

In a Presidential Fatherhood Roundtable event in Orlando last February, I had the opportunity to ask Miami Heat All Star Dwayne Wade a simple question, “What would you say to a young dad who feels he has the option instead of an obligation to father his child?”

His answer was simple:  “Once you create a child, your options are gone. It’s your job to step up and be the parents they need. Kids don’t ask to be here and we’re not going to have all of the answers every time. There are gonna be tough days … but so what, there’s tough days on the court, I don’t quit. If I’m missing shots, I don’t quit. I go to the gym and figure it out! So why would I quit on what’s most important in the world? I’m building future leaders!  Why would I quit on someone who looks just like me, someone who acts just like me? Why would I quit on that? I brought them into this world and it’s my job to make sure I’m there every step of the way.”

It’s a refreshing breath of air to hear someone with influence, popularity and fame to tell it how it is.

One expecting father at the Boot Camp for New Dads workshop I teach said, “Chivalry isn’t dead, fathers have simply stopped teaching it!”

He couldn’t be more right. Our children depend on the standards and expectations we set for them to guide them through the tough teen and young adult years.

When a child’s father is not in the picture and not a positive role model, mom is left to pick up both roles. Moms can do it, but it would really help her to have two adults to parent the kids. Two people to walk the floor at night with an infant – and switch off when the baby’s crying becomes unbearable. Two people to alternate picking up the kids from school. Two people to clean up the house. The potential for two incomes or, if the mom is able to stay at home, another option for child care.

Orlando is ranked #58 out of the top 101 U.S. cities with single-mother run households at 46.7 percent. This is a growing problem in our society. FATHERHOOD IS NOT AN OPTION! Far too many males feel they have a choice.

I am proud of the 962 fathers who took our Boot Camp for New Dads workshop in the past two years. These men join many other great guys in Florida who stepped up and took on the father role. But I always wonder – why aren’t the other fathers stepping up? Are they scared? Do they just not care?

Some people say the men who don’t have any interest in sticking around probably won’t be good dads anyway. The popular idea in society these days is that dads are dumb, don’t want to be involved and if they are, will only screw up, so why force them? The facts however couldn’t be more opposite.

Father absence spurs significant increases in high school drop-out rates, poor school performance, abuse/neglect, teen pregnancy and even overall health.  The facts are clear; children with involved fathers are healthier and do better in school as well as socially.

For the children who are not able to be with their fathers due to death, abuse or neglect, I encourage males in the community to help these kids grow by becoming strong, positive role models. I also encourage the entire community to emotionally support the mothers who are navigating parenthood alone. It is true that it takes a village to raise a child, but fathers play a crucial role in the future of Florida’s children.

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Maternity Leave – Gone Fishin’

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Guest post by Kendra Goff, PhD, DABT, State Toxicologist for the Florida Department of Health.

Kendra Goff, PhD, DABT, State Toxicologist

Kendra Goff, PhD, DABT, State Toxicologist

As an expecting mom, tailoring my diet to the health of my baby-to-be seemed daunting. There are so many inherent “can’ts” and shouldn’ts” during pregnancy and I didn’t want to take any dietary missteps that could hurt my baby later. For many women, one of the confusing points about diet during pregnancy comes in the question of seafood.

My pregnancy has let me empathize with how confusing it can be for any mom or mom-to-be to clearly tell the difference between which fish are safe to eat and which fish are advised to be avoided—before, during and after pregnancy. With a constant flood of conflicting information about the dangers of mercury-laden fish, many of us want to throw our hands up in frustration and ward fish off altogether (which is exactly what we at DOH absolutely don’t want to happen!)

As an avid sushi eater and lover, I was most concerned about having to forgo my Japanese favorite—and luckily, I didn’t have to! I was reminded that, with a little education, incorporating the right fish into my diet (in cooked forms) was actually very simple and rewarding. My sushi-craving palette didn’t have to suffer—and neither did the profits of the Japanese restaurant who knows me by name!

Fish bring undeniable health benefits to the table. A variety of low-mercury seafood options provide proteins and heart-healthy omega-3 fatty acids. Consistently incorporating fish into your diet before and during pregnancy and while breastfeeding can boost your baby’s intellect and encourage brain and eye development. Some researchers have even suggested that depression experienced during and after pregnancy may result from a lack of fish consumption.

“Fish for Your Health” wallet card

“Fish for Your Health” wallet card

During both my pregnancies, I couldn’t help but smile during my healthy nutrition discussion with my OB-GYN when she handed me a wallet card produced by DOH, clearly detailing nutritional information about low-mercury seafood. I immediately recognized several of my favorites in the “Low Mercury” category, including clam, catfish, crab, herring, oyster, scallops, shrimp, tilapia and tuna, with a recommended consumption of 12 ounces a week. Salmon, one of the healthiest seafood options, can provide the recommended amount of omega-3s in as few as 6 ounces a week.

Even in my current position of State Toxicologist, that wallet card remains a regular guest at my restaurant outings and the grocery store, clearly and easily reminding me which fish are best for my diet and for my family’s meals. I encourage others – women who are currently expecting or planning to get pregnant and all women of childbearing age–to print out our “Fish for Your Health” wallet card and find the many fish that are right for you.

You may be making sacrifices during your pregnancy, but don’t let seafood be one of them! Remember these three elements to snag your fish-friendly diet: consume a variety of fish; find fish that are relatively low in mercury; and the most important of all–incorporate them into your diet!

“Fish for Your Health” wallet card

“Fish for Your Health” wallet card

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The “Stranger Danger” Message Must Go

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Guest post by Jeff Griesemer, President and CEO of Child Rescue Network, a nonprofit organization dedicated to preventing child sexual abuse, abduction, and victimization. www.ChildRescueNetwork.org. 

holding hands“Stranger Danger,” a phrase once believed to save children, is now thought to do more harm than good. The daunting expression was first spoken with the best of intentions more than 30 years ago and parents were terrified their children could be abducted at any moment.

According to the Center for Disease Control, 93 percent of children who are victimized actually know their abuser! By putting the focus on “strangers,” children are actually MORE susceptible to silently endure abuse from those they already know and trust. Instead of scaring children into silence, let’s help kids make safe, positive, self-esteem building decisions whether they are dealing with a cunning stranger or responding to a familiar face. Empowerment, not fear is the answer.

We must teach our kids how to recognize potentially dangerous situations and provide them with specific action plans on how to react if the need arises. We must also stress the critical importance of instilling a sense of confidence in our kids and give them an understanding and respect for personal boundaries.

Some basic tips to teach your kids:

  1. Don’t keep secrets: If an adult or older child asks your child to keep a secret, your child should say, “No, I don’t keep secrets from mom and dad.” That simple statement can actually stop a predator in his tracks as they often use secrets to test the boundaries of a child they are “grooming” for possible abuse.
  2. Family code word: At some point you may have to have someone pick up your child, as in the case of an emergency. By having a “family code word” you can empower your child to make the right decision. They simply keep their distance and ask for the code word. If the person knows the word, your child can feel safe knowing you sent the person. If that person doesn’t know the code word, your child should run to a safe place and tell a trusted adult. 
  3. If Lost, Play the Freeze Game: Have an action plan for those inevitable moments when you and your child may get separated, say in a crowded mall or theme park. Your child should simply stop, stay put and never go anywhere with anyone! As the parent, you should simply retrace your steps and you should find them quickly. This plan also eliminates the need for your child to try to determine who is good and who might be a threat. It doesn’t matter. If someone offers to help, your child should say, “I’m playing the Freeze Game until my mom and dad get back. Can you stay with me?”
  4. Alert others around them: Take the lost scenario one step further and teach your kids that if someone does ever try to force them to go somewhere to yell, “This is not my daddy, HELP!” A crying or even screaming child can be misinterpreted as a tantrum, but a child yelling for help will trigger a reaction from anyone nearby. 

You can discover more specific action plans you can teach your child to help protect them from sexual predators at www.ChildRescueNetwork.org. 

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