How do I deal with my teen?

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Guest post by Jennifer Evans, a licensed mental health counselor at DCF who specializes in child trauma. Have questions for Jennifer? If you think your child is showing signs of needing more help, visit our map of local children’s mental health professional s in your area.

You know teens will be teens, but what exactly does that mean and how can we let them have freedom while keeping them safe? Here are some answers to common questions I’ve heard from parents:

How can help my teen avoid peer pressure?

Teens are biologically driven to want to engage in high risk activities and be around their peers.

Failing grades, not sleeping or eating and engaging in reckless behaviors that could be life threatening are just a few warning signs to look for.

It is important to talk with them, but it can be hard. Although teens are becoming independent, an invisible string should still keep them grounded and able to be pulled back in when needed.  The best way is to have an open dialogue with your teenager.

Establishing expectations with your teen is another key in maintaining a connection in this time where they crave independence and freedom. It should be clear that they will check in and call when plans change. Know WHO they are hanging out with, WHAT they will be doing, WHERE they are going, and WHEN they will be home. Asking  WHY will create defensiveness in your teen and disrupt the whole process, so stick to the other 4 W’s.

Is my teen depressed?

Mood changes, crying, sadness, happiness, joy, excitement, and anger are emotions to be expected from teens on a daily basis. The stresses from hormonal changes, social connections, increasing responsibilities make this a very trying time. Parents should follow up with their child and ask more direct questions if these emotions or behaviors are severe, persistent and lasting longer than two weeks.

If the child mentions feeling hopeless, parents should talk to the child immediately to understand if they feel hopeless like it will never get better or do they feel helpless they can’t change the situation.  If a child mentions anything resembling thoughts of suicide or hopelessness, seek immediate help.

Until now, there may have been little to be concerned about with your child and this could be the first time you have a conversation about your adolescent’s feelings and emotions.  Say things like, “I notice you spending more time alone and not hanging out with your friends like you use to, it can be difficult to understand why we feel the way we do,  I am here to listen.”

How can I protect my teen from bullying?

With social media and technology, teens are never very far away from their social environment.  That means what used to happen for only a few hours during the day can now be expanded to encompass their entire life.  Often there is a lot of shame and embarrassment that goes along with bullying, this helps the bully maintain control and helps perpetuate the victimization.

Staying aware of your child’s social connections is important.  If your child is not showing signs of social support systems with anyone, this should be addressed.

Showing support and keeping a positive social connection for a child being bullied is very important. It can be overwhelming to feel so isolated because adolescence is a time to be joining in peer groups.  Try engaging your teenager in new activities, maybe even away from their surroundings, to let them explore.

If a child mentions they feel like there is no point, gives away things that are important to them, or lacks future orientation – be direct and ask them if they are thinking of harming themselves or others.  This is a scary question to ask, and a scary response to hear, but facing it and providing support prior is an easier feat then after.

Is my teen a wallflower?

Teens are going through a lot of changes.  It is common for teens to be scared, hesitant or even avoid taking on some of their new milestones (going to dances, starting new schools, puberty, dating, etc).  All of these are typical ways teens express themselves as they deal with stress.

When your child begins having ritualistic behaviors (checking, counting, compulsive behaviors), or the anxiety begins to interfere with their daily activities (not going to school, not eating, sleeping, grades are being affected) a professional should be consulted.

For families starting a dialogue with their kids, begin with quick statements to let them know you are aware and responsive to their needs.

Using a universal validating statement related to their personal experience will help the child not feel alone and spark interest for follow up conversation:

“I notice you are acting differently, I know this time in your life can be very difficult and stressful and it can be hard to feel like anyone will understand; I want you to know I will always make time to be here for you if you need,”

“I hear you saying things are stressful right now, it is common to feel overwhelmed or frustrated, talking to someone can sometimes be helpful.”

It is important for the parent to continue to support their willingness to be open while validating their experience as they further engage:

“I can hear how important this is to you, thank you for sharing this with me.”

If you think your child is showing signs of needing more help, visit our map of local children’s mental health professional s in your area. 

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Helping Children Cope in a Stressful World

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Guest post by Jane B. Streit, Ph.D.

Few children make it through the early years without experiencing a potentially traumatic event. Big things like abuse and the loss of a loved one are horrible things for anyone to live through, but even “smaller” events like taunting from classmates or a Florida hurricane can have lasting effects.

Children are born with varying degrees of resilience.  Research has shown, that even among families, how individual siblings recover from stressful events can be very different. We have also learned that both children and adults can develop resilience by:

  • Maintaining physical health,
  • Engaging in activities that they enjoy and feel competent doing, and
  • Through physical or mental activities that lower stress levels.

Resilient or not, support  from trusted and caring adults is critical to helping children through tough times. Adults who demonstrate and reinforce healthy coping behaviors are great role models. It is important to remember that while children listen to our words, they are also very sensitive to our behavior.

Just as with adults, what works for one child may not work for another.  In addition, don’t hesitate to seek professional help if children are showing signs that they are overwhelmed, and that they are not eating, sleeping or functioning well after an event is long over.

The American Academy of Pediatrics just released a new Trauma Guide that may help parents address their child’s mental health needs. You can also access this map to find a local children’s mental health professional in your area.  We’ve also posted many children’s mental health activities on our Pinterest account – check them out for activity ideas to do with your kids!

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Loving a Child Through the Challenges of Life

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Reprinted with permission from Rachel Macy Stafford, also known as Hands Free Mama. 

*Name has been changed

hands free mamaI was two years shy of becoming a mother when I learned my greatest lesson about parenting. This information was not gleaned from a New York Times bestseller, a renowned pediatrician, or an experienced parent. It came from a 10-year-old boy born to a drug-addicted mother, with an Individualized Education Plan thicker than an encyclopedia—a boy with permanent scars along the side of his left arm from a beating with an extension cord when he was three.

Kyle* taught me the one and only thing I really needed to know about loving a child through the challenges of life.

This is my story …

It had been a difficult move. I left my family and friends and the beloved mid-western state where I’d lived most of my life. My new home was thousands of miles away from anything I knew. It was hot—all the time. There were no seasons and teaching jobs were hard to come by. Having seven years experience as a behavior specialist, I was up for a challenge. I would accept any job if it meant I could do what I was born to do—teach.

I accepted a teaching position in a classroom for children with an array of educational diagnoses. They were students with severe learning and behavioral difficulties who’d been shuffled from school to school. So far, no program in the district was able to meet their challenging needs.

The first few months of school were difficult. It was not unusual for me to cry as I made my 45-minute commute to the inner city.  It required a deep breath to even open the classroom door, but I came back every day praying this would be the day—a breakthrough to one broken soul.

On this particular morning, I was excited. The other lead teacher and I had spent weeks teaching the children appropriate behavior for public outings. We would be going putt-putting and out to lunch. Miraculously, most of the children in class earned this privilege—only a few had not. Alternative arrangements were made for those students while we took the field trip.

We had an extensive plan in place to make the departure as smooth as possible. But due to the explosive behavior of many of the students, even the best laid plans could quickly turn sour.

Kyle was one of the students who had not earned the field trip, and he was determined to make that disappointment be known.

In the corridor between classrooms, he began screaming, cursing, spitting, and swinging at anything within striking distance. Once his outburst subsided, he did what he’d done at all his other schools, at home, even once at a juvenile detention center when he was angry—he ran.

The crowd of onlookers that congregated during the spectacle watched in disbelief as Kyle ran straight into the heavy morning traffic in front of the school.

I heard someone shout, “Call the police.”

Based on the information in Kyle’s file, I knew the officers would locate him and place him on a 5150 hold for a psychiatric evaluation.

But I could not just stand there. So I ran after him.

Kyle was at least a foot taller than me. And he was fast. His older brothers were track stars at the nearby high school. But I had worn running shoes for the field trip, and I could run long distances without tiring. I would at least be able to keep in him my sight and know he was alive.

With the agility of a professional athlete, Kyle dodged the moving vehicles in his path. After several blocks of running directly into on-coming traffic, he slowed his pace. Although it was still morning, the tropical sun was bearing down on the black tarmac baking anyone crazy enough to be running full speed on it.

Kyle took a sharp left and began walking through a dilapidated strip mall. Standing next to a trash compactor, he bent over with his hands on his knees. He was heaving to catch his breath. That is when he saw me. I must have looked ridiculous—the front of my lightweight blouse soaked with sweat, my once-styled hair now plastered to the side of my beet-red face.  He stood up abruptly like a frightened animal that thought it was alone suddenly discovering he’d been spotted.

But it was not a look of fear.

I saw his body relax. He did not attempt to run again. Kyle stood and watched me approach. My exhaustion caused me to slow to a walk.

Kyle remained still.

I had no idea what I was going to say or what I was going to do, but I kept walking closer.

We locked eyes, and I willed every ounce of compassion and understanding in my heart toward his own.

He opened his mouth to speak when a police car pulled up, abruptly filling the space between Kyle and me. The principal of the school and an officer got out. They spoke calmly to Kyle who went willingly into the back of the vehicle. I did not come close enough to hear their words, but I didn’t take my eyes off Kyle’s face. His eyes never left mine … even as they drove away.

It was days before Kyle would be allowed to return to school. I shared my disappointment regarding the turn of events with Kyle’s speech therapist who was familiar with Kyle’s past history and family situation.

She placed her hand on my shoulder and said, “No one ever ran after him before, Rachel. No one. They just let him go.”

But I couldn’t help but feel that I had failed him … that I should have done more or said more … that I should have fixed the situation, or better yet, prevented the situation.

Kyle eventually came back to school. I quickly noticed that when he had a choice of which teacher to work with or which teacher to accompany him to special classes, he chose me. As weeks passed, he was glued to my side, complying with instructions, attempting to do his work, and once in awhile even smiling. For a child with severe attachment issues, it was quite amazing that he was developing a bond with me.

One day on the way to art class, Kyle unexpectedly grasped my hand. It was unusual for a boy his age and size to hold his teacher’s hand, but I knew I must act like it was the most normal thing in the world.

And then he leaned in and quietly said something I will never forget.

“I love you, Miss Stafford,” he whispered. And then, “I never told anyone that before.”

Part of me wanted to ask, “Why me?”

But instead I simply relished the moment—an unimaginable breakthrough from the child whose file bore the words: “Unable to express love or maintain a loving relationship with another human being.”

Besides, I knew the turning point. Things changed the day he ran, and I ran after him—even though I didn’t have the right words … even though I wasn’t able to save him from the mess he was in.

It was the day I didn’t throw my hands up in the air deciding he was too fast … a waste of time and effort …  a lost cause.

It was the day my mere presence was enough to make a profound difference.

Ten years have passed since I’ve seen Kyle. I no longer live in the same state that I did back then. But I often think of him. When I am out running … when I am to the point where my legs are tired and aching … I think of him.

And I think of him when those really hard parenting dilemmas come my way—problems derived from inside and outside of the home—issues that make me want to beat my head against the wall or lower it in despair. I think of Kyle in those moments when I don’t know what to do or what to say when I look into my children’s troubled eyes.

That is when I see Kyle’s face and remember I don’t always have to have the answer. Because sometimes there is no clear-cut answer.

And I remember I don’t always have to “fix” their troubled hearts. Because there will be times when I can’t.

I think of Kyle and remember the power of presence. Because it’s possible to say, “I won’t let you go through this alone,” without muttering a single word.

Thank you, Kyle, for revealing the key to loving a child through the challenges of life.

Sometimes our mere presence is enough.

Sometimes it is exactly what is needed to change a dismal situation into one of hope.

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It’s not IF we catch you, it’s WHEN

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Post by DCF Secretary David Wilkins 

FB_fraud_bannerMy office was contacted by a young lady in Tallahassee who received food assistance.  She is a young mom of four small children, has a job at the hospital and is working hard to become self-sufficient, but needs help making ends meet right now. Her SNAP and TANF benefits were stolen by a criminal in Miami on the same day they were put into her account. Because of federal restrictions, we do not have the ability to replace most of that money. Now she will have to worry all month about how to feed her children.

These are real victims. This is a real crime.

Today we announced the launch of more safeguards to combat this crime – and catch it before it even happens. We just updated the ACCESS web portal to include authentication questions – info only the real client would know – in order to protect their identity and their benefits.

We are also getting even more detailed analytics that will allow us to spot trends that may indicate fraud. We will investigate and we will catch the bad guys.

Each count of fraud is a felony, and we are working with law enforcement partners to persecute to the fullest extent of the law. It’s not IF we catch the criminals, it’s WHEN.

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“Ask me where I am going, not where I am from”

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RefugeesThe 2013 Refugees Services Consultation is going on this week and brings together hundreds of refugees and organizations from all over the state for training, networking, presentations and more. The people at the consultation amazing. Here are just a few of their stories. As one of them said today, “Ask me where I am going, not where I am from.” Get ready to be inspired:

Dode Ackey
City: Tampa
Date of Arrival in the US: September 1996
Dode came to the U.S. from the West African country of Benin in 1996. Dode was 18 years old when his family fled Togo to escape political violence and moved to the neighboring country of the Republic of Benin. Since he was not a resident of Benin his only option was to pay for private schooling and he did this by selling shirts in the local market. When he arrived in Tampa Bay, Dode worked in a local warehouse and put a priority on obtaining his education. Since his arrival, Dode has graduated with a B.S. in Finance and two Masters Degrees, an MBA from University of South Florida and an MS in Accounting from the University of Tampa, all with full honors. Dode has gone on to obtain a position at Citigroup Inc. where he now works as an Assistant Vice President and to teach accounting classes at Hillsborough Community College. In addition, Dode and his wife started the Africa International University Foundation, whose mission is to launch non-profit schools in the Republic of Benin and Niger where literacy levels are still only 10% and there is no free education for middle and high school youth. Dode speaks four languages fluently, is a U.S. citizen and is married to Florence Ackey, who works with the Refugee Health Clinic. Together they have two children.

Christy Sui 
City: Tampa
Date of Arrival in the US: June 2007
Christy is a Burmese of Chin ethnicity and she came to the U.S. from Malaysia in 2007. Christy’s work with refugees began in Malaysia where she had been studying for her B.A. when Burmese refugees began arriving there to apply for official refugee status. Christy speaks 10 different Burmese languages and so began serving as a volunteer interpreter for UNHCR in Malaysia. She also worked as a secretary for the Chin Refugee center and taught Chin students at the Chin Student Association. Christy eventually got a job with UNHCR in Malaysia where she worked until leaving for the U.S. in 2007 as a refugee herself. Since coming to Tampa Bay, Christy has lead the formation of an ethnic community based organization, The Tampa Bay Burmese Council, and she is now serving as the President of this nonprofit agency that assists newly arriving Burmese refugees. Christy also works full time as a Resettlement Specialist at Catholic Charities and is an active volunteer at First Baptist Church of Temple Terrace and the Tampa Bay Gardens–which is an innovative agricultural program for refugees in Tampa. Christy was the winner of the Hillsborough County Human Rights Award in 2011 for her ongoing advocacy and dedication to refugees in Tampa Bay. Christy is now a U.S. citizen and was recently married.

Pastor Reuben Hrang
City: Tampa
Date of Arrival in the US: May 2011
Since his arrival in Tampa Bay in 2011 from Malaysia, Pastor Reuben has become an integral part of the community helping many Burmese refugees to access needed services and integrate more seamlessly. Pastor Reuben works on behalf of the refugee community at a number of different levels. First, he served as the Secretary of the local Ethnic Community Based Organization, the Tampa Bay Burmese Council. In this role he not only provided leadership for the Council, but also provided direct client services such as transportation and interpretation to clients who call on the ECBO for assistance. In addition, Pastor Reuben recruited a group of 10 Chin families to work at the local Tampa Bay Gardens project, planting and harvesting fruits and vegetables. Since Pastor Reuben got involved, the Chin section of the garden is thriving! Pastor Reuben also works closely with refugee service providers and attends all Refugee Task Force meetings in order to ensure that the Burmese community’s voice is heard. Pastor Reuben was selected to represent the State of Florida at the 2012 Office of Refugee Resettlement National Consultation in Washington, DC.

Desiree Dayhoff
City: Naples
Date of Arrival in the US: June 2006
Desiree came to the U.S. from Cuba in 2006 via the Mexican border. Once she settled in the Naples area, Desiree got a job at the Doubletree Suites by Hilton and worked her way up to holding the position of Executive Housekeeper. In this position Desiree has focused on hiring a staff of mostly Cuban refugees and has launched innovative practices such as holding English classes and Citizenship classes for her housekeeping team which helps them both personally and professionally. Desiree also offers financial literacy workshops and six of the current housekeeping staff are now homeowners. With her consistent team building and pursuit of excellence, Desiree’s housekeeping team of Cuban refugees has won the prestigious Doubletree by Hilton’s “Excellence in Housekeeping” award three years in a row. Desiree is an active member of the Collier Refugee Task Force and was selected to represent the State of Florida at the “First National Refugee Congress” in Washington, DC organized by the UNHCR in 2011. In the past two years, Desiree has become a U.S. citizen herself and gotten married.

Margarito Broche
City: Miami
Date of Arrival in the US: 2011
In 1991, Margarito Broche began to actively denounce the violations of Human Rights in Cuba, which led to his first imprisonment in 1992, when he served a sentence of six months. After leaving the prison, he pursued his activities opposing the regime; he was constantly harassed and, threatened by the police. On 25 December 1997, he established the National Association of Rafters for Peace, Democracy and Freedom (he had tried once to leave Cuba by raft but had been returned), which aimed to end human rights violations, and monitor migratory agreements between Cuba and the United States, 1995 – with returnees Rafters to Cuba.

On March 18, 2003 he was among 75 opponents of President Fidel Castro that were arrested in a crackdown on the opposition that has come to be known as the “Black Spring.” He was imprisoned for “violating the independence, sovereignty and economy” and sentenced to 25 years imprisonment. While jailed he developed major health problems and was released and allowed to leave the country. Margarito and his wife Maria Noa, a founding member of the Damas de Blanco [Ladies in White--wives and relatives of the 75 opposition leaders imprisoned in 2003] were admitted to the U.S. as refugees and Margarito received medical treatment.

Margarito and Maria settled in Miami. Margarito continues to bring attention to the plight of fellow prisoners of conscience in Cuba and is also the president of the “Grupo De Los 75 Y Damas De Blanco En El Exilio” [Group of 75 and Ladies in White in Exile]. He is very involved in helping former Cuban political prisoners who have resettled in Miami to navigate the system and get access to benefits and support they need to begin a new life and hopefully integrate in their new community.

Geras Shoukulu
City: Miami
Date of Arrival in the US: 2005
This week we will also hear from a young man who lived through the horror of the conflict in the Democratic Republic of the Congo, but lost his parents. In 2005, he arrived here with two younger brothers, still legally a child himself. After turning 18, he entered the independent living program, and has since completed his GED and obtained multiple vocational training certificates. In just 8 years, this young man has built a career; married and became a parent; and bought a lovely home. On top of all those responsibilities, he was compelled to reunite his family, and in 2011 this young man and his wife became the foster parents to his youngest brother, now 13-year-old. The two have also become a source of support to other refugee children and youth within the Unaccompanied Refugee Program.

Carmen Jaqueline Gimenez
City: Miami
Date of Arrival in the US: November 2008
Carmen was born in Caracas Venezuela. She won a scholarship to study a specialization in International Trade and Custom and created a model of integration, through private agreements, for The Americas. She founded a non-profit in 2004 to promote the Americas Integration model she created. Carmen was also active politically. She wrote opinion articles in newspapers promoting the work of the private sector. She participated in marches and strikes and was persecuted, threatened, and intimidated by government officials for her actions. She moved to Argentina seeking safety and then to the US, where she was granted political asylum.

After arriving in US, Carmen launched a webpage http://www.USA-Refugees.com seeking to create a place to exchange information, communication, education, and culture, but also to share experiences, to become a site of friendship for refugees in the US, and to set an example to the world. She was a member of the Miami-Dade Refugee Advisory Panel and participated in the Miami-Dade Refugee Task Force. She organized the 2012 World Refugee Day event in Miami-Dade County, which was attended by over 150 people.

Daniel Haile
City: Jacksonville
Date of Arrival in the US: September 2011
Daniel is a young man from Ethiopia forced to flee because of mixed Eritrean/Ethiopian heritage. Daniel was quickly noticed as a leader with the ability to rise and lead others and was elected President of a newly formed African Community Based Organization in Jacksonville. Soon after arrival in Jacksonville in September 2011, Daniel met members of a local foundation that saw his potential and agreed to provide a scholarship for his continued college education seeking an engineering degree. The foundation requires recipients to pay it forward and Daniel has already started doing so. He established the Jacksonville African Community Organization, Inc. The group already does volunteer projects and has also begun meeting every newly arrived refugee from Eritrea and Ethiopia within a couple of days after arrival in the US to welcome them and help explain the inner workings of life in the U.S. Daniel is a full time university student, works part time and still makes the time to organize the organizations members doing volunteer activities.

Walfrank Piñeiro
City: Orlando
Date of Arrival in the US: June 2011
Walfrank is 15 years old. He came from Cuba with his parents and two younger siblings on June 3rd 2011 under the Family Reunification Program.

He attended the Martires de Barbados School in Cuba where he completed eighth grade and his team won national championship two years in a row. When he came to Orlando, Orange County Public school system wanted him to stay in eighth grade due to his young age and his English language limitations; however, an exception was made and he was enrolled in ninth grade. With tutorial assistance from Catholic Charities Youth and Family Services (a DCF Refugee Services funded program) he is slowly learning the language and has made Honor Roll each school semester.

Two years after his arrival from Cuba, Walfrank and his family has made great progress in the US. Walfrank was nominated by his teachers for the Wekiva High School Highest Honor” Principal’s Prepare for Greatness Award. This award is given to a student at each grade level who best exemplifies the school’s mission – a student who reaches the highest standards of academic and personal success. In addition, Walfrank will also be awarded the Spirit of Excellence Award by Orange County Public School Multilingual Parent Leadership Council for his achievements.

Walfrank has been a great asset to the Wekiva High School baseball team. He was voted “Pitcher of the Year by the Wekiva High School Baseball team for 2012 season.

Both of his parents, Francisco Piñeiro and Johanna Aparicio are very proud and supportive of their son.

Last year, Walfrank was nominated by Catholic Charities Youth and Family Program and received a “Certificate of Achievement” during the celebration of 2012 World Refugee Day at Orlando City Hall.

Francisco Piñeiro, Walfrank’s father worked as an installer of security systems in Cuba. Three months after arriving in Orlando he got a job as a brick layer but due to the downturn in construction, he was laid off. He has been working at Energy Air as an air ducts installer a bit over one year.

Walfrank’s parents Johanna Aparicio (mother) Francisco Piñeiro (Father) can be reached at 321-201-2091

 

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